YUKS & CHUCKLES
"Save me, oh God, from people who have no sense of humor." --
UNTIE! and other stickers & stuff !
Jokes & Humor
See what happens if you don't put a U after a Q, Iraq?
8-footer from BIG ASS FANS !
Either your're part of the solution
or you're part of the government.
Not Raising Hogs
National Lawn Care
F. R. Duplantier's "Politickles"
Basic English and
for American Politicians
Federal Employees' Self-Esteem
the Unknown Govt. Employee
Oh, yeah? Well
Dead Documents Sketch
Blames Rove in Rocket-Skate Mishap
Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching
on one candy bar after another. After the 6th candy
bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy
bars at a time?"
Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own
-- GUNS AND
DOPE PARTY POSITION PAPER #23
Guns and Dope Party
Juntas for Dummies
A Dangerous Precedent
How Decisions Are Made
click on the bios on this
for No Alternatives
BNN, The Bogus
Political & Opinionated Cartoons
"Everybody wants the government
to do something until it
does it to them."
a message from your friendly IRS agent...
enormous non-march on Washington... "
it's guns that cause crime, then it must be spoons that cause
to be fat and stupid."
Stupid? Don't Vote !
"People that are really weird
can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact
on history." -- Dan Quayle
Associated Press dispatch
from Nov. 16, 1988: "At a
business breakfast Tuesday,
Kerry responded to a question
about the vice president-elect's
qualifications by saying: 'The
Secret Service is under orders
that if Bush is shot, to shoot
Quayle,'' The Boston Herald
reported." -- repeated here.
As Mark Twain said...
"Nothing so needs reforming
as other people's habits."
P. C. (Political Correctness) Stuff --&
tweak the noses of the T.P. (Thought Police)
me ambiguity, or give me something else."
TO BEING Politically Correct
FAQs at Libertasia
The Honest Horoscope
other Bumperstickers from
Richard's Print Shoppe
WHY you should question altruism
When asked why
in astrology the logician
a Gemini, and Geminis
believe in astrology.”
eat life forms that can neither run nor hide." -- Anon.
The Darwin Awards
your cow yourself
Things Kids Write
& Satire Books
Generator for Neal Boortz
of "Lost Presence of Mind"
Squirrel Assaults Man on Motorcycle
Salma Hayek vs. Friedrich Hayek Scorecard
of the Best ACTUAL News Headlines from 1999
A Naval Communications
FLIES READ PORNO, DROP DEAD,
SENATE CHANGES NAME TO YANKEE
OF LORDS, U.S. TREASURY ISSUES
SCRATCH ‘N SNIFF CURRENCY, etc. HERE
FBI Communications Transcript
Jokes Blog and Archive
Nice-Tits Dot Org!
to Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide Homepage
A.I.R.: Annals of Improbable Research
Table and Charts
Science Made Stupid
The Danger of
"The Washington Post says that torture is illegal and
immoral. Alexander Woollcott says that anything good in life is either
illegal, immoral or fattening. Now, if we can just figure out a way
to make torture fattening, torture will be a good thing." -- John
"Not only is extremism in the defense of liberty no
vice, under certain circumstances it may be tax deductible!" -- J.A.King,
"I dislike platitudes, and most other species of Australian
wildlife." -- John Alejandro
"When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem
looks like your thumb." -- Mr.
2 postings in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's Vent
"My boyfriend gave me a mood ring. When I'm in a good mood, it makes
a green color. When I'm in a bad mood, it makes a red mark on his forehead."
and "The best thing about dating a homeless person is that at the
end of the date, you can drop them off anywhere."
"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it
was probably a yo-yo." -- Ron Leming
''Halloween 8 came out.
I thought it was the best Halloween ever. It made Halloween
7 look like Halloween 5!'' -- Andy Breckman, here
"Time and time again, gazing into the innocent,
trusting photoelectric receptors of a tiny, newly developed cybernetic
construct, I am reminded of a fundamental truth: I believe the robots are
our future, and we must teach them well and let them lead the way."
-- Helen Virginia Leidermeye, the
Onion, June 10, 1999
"Incidentally, it's our understanding that the word robot is considered
offensive. The politically correct term is Electronic-American."
-- James Taranto, Opinion
Journal, Friday, March 21, 2003
"Like Theodore Roosevelt, I oppose 'hyphenated Americanism.' Which
I guess makes me an anti-hyphenated-Americanism-American." -- John
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. Suddenly one
shreiks frantically to the other, "I've lost my electron!" The other says,
"Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes! I'm positive!"
Either you're part of the solution, or you're part of
"Nature abhors a
moron." -- H. L. Mencken
“Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re
stupid.” – John Wayne
"Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?"
-- Vic Irish
"If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?" -- Chef
"If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?" -- Robert
"Indeed, would he even become occident-prone?" -- Rick Gaber
"Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions." -- Henry
"I know statistically if you don't get married, you're
less likely to get divorced." -- Craig Ferguson
"If your parents didn't have children, chances are you
won't either." -- James Taranto
"Having children is like getting a bowling alley installed
in your brain." -- Martin Mull
which is to say, ... men specifically educated to discover legal excuses
for dishonest, dishonorable and anti-social acts." -- H.
L. Mencken, Prejudices:
A Selection, pp. 180-82
"An economist is someone who wonders if something that
works in practice will work in theory." -- Muir Redwoods
(from "a revised Constitution for our times"):
"Section 2: The House of Representatives shall be composed of persons who
own at least two dark suits and have not been indicted recently." – Dave
"The hardest job in Washington these days is commissioner
of senatorial parking. He's got to allot space for 99 cars and a broomstick"
-- Michael Barone, editor of U.S News after Hillary was elected
to the Senate
"Roadkill: It's not just for dinner anymore. Throw
in some wood chips, chicken waste and dirt, and automobile-crushed critters
can be composted into fertilizer or topsoil. It is about to be done in
West Virginia's Eastern Panhandle." -- Department of the Army's
Management Bulletin, March 1996
From the Department of Redundancy Department: "Non-essential
"As a result of the huge snowstorm, a bulletin was put out in
Washington for all non-essential Federal employees to stay home. (Pause)
If they're non-essential, what the hell are they doing there in the first
place??!!" -- Jay Leno on The Tonight Show January 25, 2000
"I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe
ANYthing the government says.' " -- George Carlin
"It's too bad that the only
people who know how to run the country are too busy driving cabs and cutting
hair." -- George Burns
“Hyper-hyperbole. It’s massive!”-- article title in the UK newspaper
Observer, Feb. 27, 2000, criticizing news media which use exaggeration
and even hysteria. “It’s apocalypse now as world boils over.”-- headline
in the same newspaper, same day. -- from THIS
Themes in Contemporary
Analytic Philosophy as Reflected in the Work of Monty Python
|Susan B. Anthony,
Reaching for sanctity,
Pleaded for women to
Be more than cooks.
Half the electorate
Votes for a candidate
By how he looks.
"The female figure is the greatest known evidence that
there might be a God...but the female psyche is an indication that this
God has a very sick sense of humor." -- John
"If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman
around to hear him, is he still wrong?" -- Vic Irish
do you tell the difference between liberals, conservatives, and southerners?
"We began in 1994 by bringing health security to
every American. Our universal health care program brought equity
and access to all. While the overall program is a little more expensive
than the $2 trillion dollars we estimated, I [am] pleased to announce that
costs are dropping somewhat this year, due to a drastic increase in the
number of people who died while waiting to see a doctor. Nevertheless,
we brought you health security [*Congress applauds*]." -- from the chapter
"Every American's Right" in Michael Graham's book, Clinton and Me
"Trent Lott achieved the anatomical triumph of shoving
his foot in his mouth while his head was already in an unlit nether region.
... But if you tell me that the concept of federalism is racist, I will
say you're too dumb to be a spell-checker at an M&M factory." -- Jonah
"According to one study, as far back as 1969, black
males who grew up in homes where there were magazines, books and library
cards had incomes identical to whites from similar homes and education.
The obvious conclusion is whites discriminate against blacks from homes
without magazines, books and library cards. How they do it is a mystery
to me. I haven't seen any white people--at least not that many--peeking
into the windows of black houses to see who had books, magazines and library
cards." -- Walter Williams in MORE
LIBERTY MEANS LESS GOVERNMENT
"When questioning people who live in caves, government
officials have to go pretty far just to deprive them of the comforts of
home." -- Ann Coulter, HERE
"A moral compass needle needs a butt end. Whatever
direction France is pointing -- toward collaboration with Nazis, accommodation
with communists, existentialism, Jerry Lewis, or UN resolution veto --
we can go the other way with a quiet conscience." -- P.J. O'Rourke
UP, API and Rioters reported today that the French government
announced it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The
only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The
raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of France's
white flag factories, thus disabling their military.
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting
without your accordion." -- Donald Rumsfeld and Jed Babbin
"I'd rather have a German division in front of me than a French division
behind me." -- Gen. George S. Patton
"But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, Than have to have a frontal
lobotomy." -- Randy Hanzlick, M.D.
"I can already see it coming: First they'll start letting
people clone their family pets, then some owners will be unhappy with the
results, and the next thing you know, we'll have a bunch of copycat killings."
-- Ron Leming
"I think that this situation absolutely requires a really
futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part."-- Eric "Otter" Stratton
(Tim Matheson), "Animal House," 1978
"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand
your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person
is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door." -- Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey
"Did you ever notice a lot of the
people who are against guns are people who oughta be shot?" -- Tim Wilson
"Study: Consumer-Confidence Data Useless"-- headline,
Associated Press, Feb. 20, 2005
"Consumer Confidence Slips in February"-- headline, Associated Press,
Feb. 22, 2005
Chicagoan: "Does dis bus go to
Driver: "No, it goes 'beep, beep'."
Chicagoan: "Crosstown buses run all night?"
Driver: "Doo dah, doo dah..."
An Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
Don't pass any more laws, for crying out loud!. If you
have to keep civil servants, cops or other cerebrally- challenged, legality-aware,
morality-ignorant order-followers busy, just
give them THIS or better
yet, THIS, and leave the rest of us the hell alone. Thank
you. ("There oughta be a law"-- the cry of the short-sighted,
As Civil Servants Say, "Illiterate? Write for help!
Blind? Read This!
Honk if you love peace
A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it,
then pulls out a gun and blasts two shots into the ceiling.
“Why?” asks the confused waiter, as the panda strolls toward the exit.
The panda whips out a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over
“I’m a panda,” he says, at the door. “Look it up.”
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation...
OF THESE PAGES MAKE YOU LAUGH, DON'T
TELL THEIR WEBMASTERS;
. . . (IT ONLY ENCOURAGES THEM) . . . .
A host is a host from coast to coast
But no one will talk to a host that's close
Unless the host that isn't close
Is busy, hung, or dead.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy
then the socket packet pocket has an error to
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a
and the double-clicking icon puts your window
in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't
then your situation's hopeless and your system's
If the label on the cable on the table at your
says the network is connected to the button on
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down
and your screen is all distorted by the side
effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a
then you may as well reboot and go out with a
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy
in the disk
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll
want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn the sucker off and be sure
to tell your Mom!
||Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
||The Philosophers' Drinking Song
(from Monty Python's Flying Circus)
-- Composer: Eric Idle, Author: Eric Idle
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And René Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.
(And none have anything on Ayn Rand)
"Do not anthropomorphize computers.
They hate that." -- Junior
"I'm just looking for a place to crash." -- Robby Knieval
ORIGINAL Illustrated Catalog Of ACME Products
Favorite motto of old tool and
die makers and machinists:
*Don't let the bastards grind you down.
non tatum carborundum!*
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine
for doing well.
Obnoxious Disclaimer of
out the surprising results of some eye-opening book polls HERE.
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