THE SACREDBULL BASIC ENGLISH AND MATH TEST FOR AMERICAN POLITICIANS SECTION I: Competency in English 1. The phrase, "Congress shall make no law..." means a. Congress shall make no law...  b. Congress shall make some laws...  c. Americans can do anything they want, except things my colleagues and I, or our largest contributors, personally dislike.  d. Congress can pass anything and do anything it damn well pleases, even stacking the courts with our toadies. 2. What is the correct interpretation of the phrase "...the right of the people...shall not be infringed"? a. The right of the people...shall not be infringed. b. The right of the people...shall be infringed, but only gradually, moderately and for the good of children and battered women (except the ones we batter).  c. The right of the people is actually a state's right and the states are a bunch of wusses who'll put up with anything as long as we offer them enough tax-funded loot in return for selling out their citizens.  d. The people are all sitting on their butts watching TV, so we can infringe any damn thing we feel like infringing, and we'll get the media and the FBI and the IRS and all the other alphabet soupers to screw you good if you object.  3. What is the meaning of the phrase, "The powers ... are reserved to the states, or to the people..." a. The powers...are reserved to the states, or to the people...  b. The interstate commerce clause gives us the authority to do anything any time. Therefore there are no other powers left to "reserve" to anybody else. Tough beans.  c. Where'd you get a stupid idea like that? We're more powerful and have bigger guns than they do, and that's all that really matters, isn't it?  d. Hahahahahahahahahaha! 4. What does the phrase "The Constitution is a living, breathing entity" mean? a. This is a trick question. This phrase is NOT in the Constitution. b. Oh, don't pay any attention to that. It's just an innocent, cute reference to how the Constitution can be carefully amended in the manners prescribed. c. It means the Constitution is a species of parrot bred only in the White House basement. d. It means the Constitution means, not what it says, but whatever we want it to mean at the moment. Besides, most of us never read the damn thing anyway. e. It's just sarcasm. The Constitution is dead, and we don't give a damn, because we want to do anything we want to do any time we want to do it. Deal with it. 5. Essay Question: Write a bill (a proposed law, you twit) in plain English, for once. We just want to see if you can do it. Extra credit if it's constitutional or can be read and understood in less than ten minutes by a high school student of average intelligence. SECTION II: Competency in Mathematics 1. A fugitive oil baron named Roger is given six invitations to the White House, "donates" $300,000 to the Democratic National Committee in return, and hopes he can gain "access" to the president.  BUT he does not get the pipeline he wanted. How much money should Roger give to the DNC next time? a. Nothing. People shouldn't be able to bribe, or give in to the extortion, to get into the presence of public officials.  b. This is another trick question. Next time, a Republican president might be in office, and Roger should give his money to the RNC, instead. c. I know the president. If Roger gives me the money, I'll give Roger access. It just might take a little time. d. $600,000. (Roger's answer, in testimony before Congress 9/18/97.) 2. According to the administration's own projections, Americans will soon face an 82 percent income tax rate if present entitlement programs and levels of federal growth persist. How many years before American citizens rise up in rebellion? a. Americans should never be driven to that kind of desperation. We should immediately begin rolling the federal government back to constitutional levels.  b. Don't worry, we're going to reform the tax system and, as Sen. Mitch McConnell said back in the '90s, "virtually abolish the IRS as we know it".  We'll just have an 82 percent national sales tax, instead.  c. As soon as my term in office is over and I can get an oceanside place in Costa Rica, complete with Uzi-toting bodyguards.  d. What do we care? We'll just let Eric Holder burn the little jerks like Janet Reno and claim they committed suicide. 3. The federal budget is...oh...some great big figure in the gazillions. The national debt is probably about five trillion dollars, give or take. The annual deficit is, you know, billions and billions and billions (not counting off-budget stuff like Amtrak and the Post Office). Budgets for Social Security and Medicare are increasing at some really wowie-zow of a percent every year. (Not like you care what the actual figures are, anyway.) Congress and the president have just cooked up a tax cut package filled with goodies for favored special interests. Please explain how you can claim the budget will be balanced.  a. We can't do it without extreme cutbacks in government. Anybody who says we can is lying like a congressman.  b. Well, it IS already balanced. Didn't you read it in the papers? We're in SURPLUS!! ...uh, as long as you use our unorthodox accounting methods of counting off-budget Social Security, highway, and other trust fund money as on-budget assets, and not counting off-budget liabilities like the trillions in loan guarantees, etc., etc., etc. Just because the national debt is still growing by leaps and bounds doesn't mean you can divert the peoples' attention from what we want it paid to!  c. The politicians and media said it's true, didn't they? What more proof do you want?  d. Hey, that's for the suckers who are still here after 2016 to figure out.  e. Like, I'll be in Costa Rica or some other country with my loot by then. Like, hey, I stole mine fair and square! What ARE you, politically?  Check HERE. Find your Real Political Identity HERE.

"Think about it. If the general welfare clause of the Constitution allowed unlimited federal powers, why bother with Article I, Section 8, which sets forth the specific powers and duties of the federal government? The Founding Fathers left to the states all responsibilities not specifically enumerated in the Constitution." -- Larry Elder

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