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Not Raising Hogs
A letter addressed to the Secretary of Agriculture.
Post date: October 3, 1997
(copied from

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received
a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want
to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the
best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of
hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in
keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be
in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future
of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and
the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get
$2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at
first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will
mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will
not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers
for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not
raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows"
business, so send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I
will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming

Patriotically Yours,

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese?


-- from the archives of Gary Nolan


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